Here's what I'm going to send to Lewis Black for his "The Rant is Due" series. Hope he gives it a read.
Howdy Lewis. I've been a fan of yours
for a long time and during that time I've heard you say a great many things exactly as I would have if I chose to rant online. I have even developed a fairly
good imitation of you when you're in full rant mode which I'm told
is the sincerest form of flattery. Thought you might like to give this rant the treatment it deserves.
What has me foaming at the mouth
lately is the bad behavior of miracle face cream and health care
sellers. They advertise free fucking samples of a proprietary formula
that makes your face look decades younger or cures your COPD. They show
you before and after photos that I'm sure remain untouched by our
current technology and testimonials that we're told are from satisfied
customers (not). Then there's the health care quacks favorite tactic of subjecting us to long detailed videos that you can't fast forward through while they
drill their bullshit deep into your frontal lobes. Anyway, the best part where they tell you that all you pay are the
shipping costs. Just think, for only a few dollars you can try out
our fantastic product and enjoy a whole month's worth of creamy
smooth skin or better health. Everybody wants to look and feel better
after all.
So my wife, like many boomers, looks
in the mirror and sees a face that doesn't look like she feels. She
hates what gravity does to us all once we've reached retirement age
and would like to reverse some of that damage. Along come the miracle
face cream adds on Facebook or where ever and she'd like to try one
of them. I got her a gift VISA card so that she could pay the $6.95
shipping and handling fee and not expose us to any financial
shenanigans. These assholes refused it and would only take a credit
card in her name. That's when I waded through their “Terms and
Conditions” and you'll never guess what I found. By ordering the
free bottle you're committing yourself to a monthly subscription cost
of $129! You heard me, 129 fucking dollars a month! They'll bill you
14 days after they ship your free sample so that you'll have plenty
of time to cancel the fucking subscription that you didn't know you
were fucking signing up for in the first place. By the way, the
number they want you to call to cancel that fucking subscription? I tried it out and it's been busy every time I called it. What the fuck? Talk about
buyer beware. These unethical sellers depend on their customers/victims lack
of understanding of online business practices and the fucked up
tactics they use to get their greedy fucking hands on your money. I
can easily imagine retired folks falling for this crap and if they're
on a limited income that barely keeps them afloat like we are, that
surprise deduction can mean the difference between feeding the cat or
eating its food.
I read every “Terms and Conditions”
now at these type of sites and they're basically the same. Sometimes
it's right at the beginning but usually it's near the end of that
vast sea of bullshit that few of us can read properly let alone understand. It's hard to get my
head around the amount of money that these cocksuckers must have
taken from their unsuspecting customers. All I can say is Fuck those greedy
fucked up thieving bastards with their extravagant fucking claims for
the next miracle cure. Fuck them all.