Here's what I'm going to send to Lewis Black for his "The Rant is Due" series. Hope he gives it a read.
Howdy Lewis. I've been a fan of yours for a long time and during that time I've heard you say a great many things exactly as I would have if I chose to rant online. I have even developed a fairly good imitation of you when you're in full rant mode which I'm told is the sincerest form of flattery. Thought you might like to give this rant the treatment it deserves.
What has me foaming at the mouth lately is the bad behavior of miracle face cream and health care sellers. They advertise free fucking samples of a proprietary formula that makes your face look decades younger or cures your COPD. They show you before and after photos that I'm sure remain untouched by our current technology and testimonials that we're told are from satisfied customers (not). Then there's the health care quacks favorite tactic of subjecting us to long detailed videos that you can't fast forward through while they drill their bullshit deep into your frontal lobes. Anyway, the best part where they tell you that all you pay are the shipping costs. Just think, for only a few dollars you can try out our fantastic product and enjoy a whole month's worth of creamy smooth skin or better health. Everybody wants to look and feel better after all.
So my wife, like many boomers, looks in the mirror and sees a face that doesn't look like she feels. She hates what gravity does to us all once we've reached retirement age and would like to reverse some of that damage. Along come the miracle face cream adds on Facebook or where ever and she'd like to try one of them. I got her a gift VISA card so that she could pay the $6.95 shipping and handling fee and not expose us to any financial shenanigans. These assholes refused it and would only take a credit card in her name. That's when I waded through their “Terms and Conditions” and you'll never guess what I found. By ordering the free bottle you're committing yourself to a monthly subscription cost of $129! You heard me, 129 fucking dollars a month! They'll bill you 14 days after they ship your free sample so that you'll have plenty of time to cancel the fucking subscription that you didn't know you were fucking signing up for in the first place. By the way, the number they want you to call to cancel that fucking subscription? I tried it out and it's been busy every time I called it. What the fuck? Talk about buyer beware. These unethical sellers depend on their customers/victims lack of understanding of online business practices and the fucked up tactics they use to get their greedy fucking hands on your money. I can easily imagine retired folks falling for this crap and if they're on a limited income that barely keeps them afloat like we are, that surprise deduction can mean the difference between feeding the cat or eating its food.
I read every “Terms and Conditions” now at these type of sites and they're basically the same. Sometimes it's right at the beginning but usually it's near the end of that vast sea of bullshit that few of us can read properly let alone understand. It's hard to get my head around the amount of money that these cocksuckers must have taken from their unsuspecting customers. All I can say is Fuck those greedy fucked up thieving bastards with their extravagant fucking claims for the next miracle cure. Fuck them all.
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