I’ve almost finished reading "The Dark Tower" by Stephen King and I am struck by the number of signs that this 7’Th novel (and last of the series) contains that pertain to my own journey through life. One in particular concerns his take on the elephant in the room. We’ve all heard the story but I’ve never seen it explained the way he does and for me personally, he hit the nail on the head.
He states (I paraphrase) that when you grow up with an elephant in the room you never see it as different or wrong, rather you learn to ignore it as those around you do. It simply doesn’t exist for you other than a blank space in your consciousness and most of us will go to our graves never having seen it for what it is. Rare is the child who sees it, recognizes it for what it is and overcomes their denial of the monster that they grew up with. I say monster because to call it an elephant is to belittle the evil that this image contains and let there be no doubt that it is an evil creature.
I am one of those children who grew up with a monster in the house until my mother, at great personal sacrifice, removed us when I was four years old. I loved that monster back then and in some ways still do. He was never a monster to me until I unraveled the lies and false memories that served to hide his selfishness and sick appetites. It took me nearly 40 years to do it but it was worth every minute of that time to finally see the truth and to recognize that elephant for the monster it truly was.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done was acknowledging that part of that monster lived in my own heart and needed to be removed. I was never motivated to repeat the evil deeds that this monster had perpetrated upon his family and for that I am grateful. But the selfish nature of this beast was in my heart. It affected my life in many negative ways until that two edged sword of truth came into my hands on my journey towards self-awareness. At first I wielded it carelessly towards those who denied the monster in their midst and it served only to damage my relationships with them even further and for that I am truly sorry. For the gift of this weapon of truth was not meant for them, it was meant for me. It took everything I had to turn this weapon to its proper use and slay the selfish monster in my heart. The bleeding has finally stopped but not the need to be ever vigilant lest it return to grow like a cancer and once again bring darkness into my life.
The child within me is full of light and grace now and his tears no longer fall upon my path. I am born anew, open minded and free to enjoy what time I have left in this wonderful life I have been given. Magic has returned to my heart. Deprived no longer, the child within smiles a secret smile of one well pleased with what has come about. There are no words for the gift I have been given and it is ironic that the very monster that gave life to my dark half planted the seeds of this self-knowledge. For that I am humbly grateful.
Thank you Susan, for helping me to find the proper target of my anger and opening my eyes to the truth.
I say thankee-sai to Stephen King, for the inspiration to articulate my thoughts.
And most of all I thank my Mother, for removing me from the monster’s lair and giving me a chance to remember the truth.
Some people collect bells. Others collect owls. My mother collects elephants. It’s a sign.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
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5 comments:
You're most welcome. Thank you for showing me the face of Bob and helping me work all that out.
It sounds like you might finally be ready to have mercy for Jerry Fawell's eternal soul.
May God have mercy on his soul for I have none. All I know is that he has damaged more people than he has helped and that he was a very selfish man. He'll get no mercy from me, I tell ya true.
The father of a childhood friend of mine is deep in the throes of alzheimers. When I tell you this man was cruel and arrogant I am being kind. There is a part of me that thinks it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy, fuck him. But I have to say that there is another part of me that thinks it's sad. The only thing I do know with any degree of certainty is that I accomplish nothing constructive by continuing to hate the man.
That's the conclusion that I came to about my grandfather, for I loved him yet hated how he treated other people. Like Jerry, he's dead now and whatever judgements were made about his life are a done deal. Jerry was a little man who used the gifts that God gave him to spread a message of hate. I, in turn, hate what he did to fill his pockets. Be sure that were I given the opportunity to face him while he was alive I would have spoken the truth to his face. I know for a fact that what he did in life was the opposite of what Jesus' would have done. I only hope that he was made to face the truth of his actions once he passed on, for the only true judge of any of us is ourselves.
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